Somehow, I held it together enough to flood his ears with words of love. Finally, the EMTs arrived and I had to step aside as I screamed and wailed, “What the fuck is happening!” They cut his shirt, put on the defibrillator, began CPR and eventually moved him to the ambulance. I ran to my car and followed them to the ER. It seemed like forever before the doctor took me to a room and told me that they would have to stop CPR, that it had been over 30 minutes and he was not breathing on his own. The doctor asked me to give permission for them to stop. I dazedly followed him to the room where Sanjay was lying on a gurney with a tube in his throat and an ER team standing by. Then I took his hand in mine and gave them permission to stop CPR. They pronounced his official time of death at 4:30pm, but I know that he really passed in my arms on the pickleball court. I kissed his forehead and told him I would love him forever; words that I heard from him every day for the last five and a half months and I wished him an easy journey and transition. Then I walked out and fell apart.

I know, what a way to begin this love story.

Sanjay and I packed a lifetime full of love, heartache, soul work and astonishing spiritual growth into our short five and a half years together on this planet. We found each other again this time to clear karma, work out old patterning and mostly to experience unconditional love. We had a lot of work to do.

Sanjay and I met through an online dating app called Bumble and we had an immediate deep connection and sense of familiarity.

Sanjay’s relationship narrative included feelings of low self-worth, as a result of rejection coupled with infidelity, from his two significant relationships. Although at a conscious level he was not looking for a committed relationship, at a subconscious level, he was seeking unconditional love, devotion and trust.

My relationship narrative, like Sanjay’s, also included rejection and unworthiness. My self-defeating inner dialogue was being projected into my life movie and validated by several heartbreaking rejections. I, on the other hand, was seeking a committed, intimate, relationship, in which I felt accepted, adored and safe.

Our relationship quickly evolved and soon we were best friends and professing our love to each other. Before meeting Sanjay, my path had been one of self-development and spiritual growth. I was a mindfulness educator and a life coach.

Sanjay was also on a spiritual path. He was a deep and wise old soul; very intelligent and analytical. His inner dialogue was self-criticism and judgement, which when reflected onto our relationship, manifested as fear and anger.

So, I played the familiar and well-performed role of life coach and lover. For me this was safe because my protective personality knew that he wasn’t ready to commit, therefore, I couldn’t be rejected and eventually heartbroken. And Sanjay played his role of self-sabotage and deprecation, thus proving to himself that he was unworthy of love. Both totally irrational, but well-practiced and seemingly safe.

Ultimately, I wanted more and we decided to continue as best friends. That ended chapter one.

In chapter two, our relationship grew even closer without the pressure and expectation of commitment. I was introduced to and trained in The Bio-Energetic Synchronization Technique, or B.E.S.T. energy healing and began to give Sanjay and receive my own weekly treatments. Physical healings were apparent from the start, and more subtle and profound transformation became evident in us both. Now, Sanjay was ready and wanting a commitment. He divorced his wife of 17 years and found a condominium close by in Phoenix. Our conversations had reached a new depth and I was beginning to see that my protective personality had cloaked the true meaning of intimacy, or, in-to-me-see, probably from the get-go.

Now it was I who was not ready to commit. The tables had turned. We loved each other and didn’t want to end our relationship. Sanjay was willing to be in my life in whatever capacity he could, so we decided to end our physical relationship. Ironically, our conversations became more intimate with no added pressure. This was chapter two.

By the end of chapter two, I was feeling unfulfilled, as I truly yearned for physical intimacy. The chemistry with Sanjay had faded and as part of my story, I needed to experience feeling desired and adored. Sanjay loved me enough to accept my wish to explore and thus began chapter three.

Sanjay’s display of unconditional love, patience and perseverance was eventually what brought us back together. It was during this chapter that he dove into the depth of his soul work and began to embody the meaning of unconditional love without expectation.

As in chapter two, we spent more time together. His love for me was palpable and yet, I felt completely free. Eventually, he told me it was time to choose. He continuously professed his love and desire to spend his life with me. After experiencing another physical relationship, I was completely certain that my choice was Sanjay. I was now ready, both individually and as a couple, to trust and commit to a chapter four.

Chapter four was cut short, at five and a half months. We had both completed a metamorphosis and were totally in sync. Then it was time for him to go.

The more I continue to dive into the B.E.S.T. energy work, the more I resonate with the concept of the soul contract. I feel certain that Sanjay and I, before coming into this life, agreed to playing certain roles for each other. As he wrote to me, in the beginning of a chapter four love letter, “I know that you were brought into my life to show me my true self. You’ve shown me my deepest fears and helped me overcome them. You took me to my abyss and guided me to the light. I have grown to understand and appreciate the meaning of unconditional love and devotion. This has been a hard, but truly rewarding and life changing journey for me…”

I believe his role was to create a safe container, a laboratory to experience unconditional love, true in-to-me-see, devotion, adoration, safety and trust.

As I continue to surrender into the unfolding of grief, I experience more moments when I can feel his love and presence in the non-local form. Whether it’s a visit from a hummingbird, a song, or feeling his presence in a dream.

I truly believe that I am made of the energy of love and that I am both a local and non-local cosmic being. Realizing that, I trust that when I allow myself to perceive Sanjay in the non-local version, I will have more access to his essence.

One of the messages that has come through very clearly from him, is that soon enough I will drop my body and reconnect with him in the non-local and until then, it is my duty, my response-ability, to live this life in joy. This is our chapter five.