“Hurry!”

“I don’t know what to do.” I said imploringly. “Are you in pain?” No response. I decided to give her some of the liquid morphine next to the bed. I then turned her on her side (I have no idea why) and sat down on the floor with my back against the wall.

I was looking at her and it just hits me, “Kim, it’s ok if you need to go. I’ll be alright.” I had the thought to hold her hand, but something told me not to, it would be a distraction. So I just sat, staring at her face.

It wasn’t too long when Kim’s eyes suddenly got big. She let out her last breath and closed her eyes.

I got up and called my friend, Eugene. He called some members of our spiritual community, unbeknownst to me. People started showing up around 9 am and we had this spontaneous wake, I suppose you would call it. Susan asked if she could help dress Kim, so I picked out one of my favorite dresses. At one point we had maybe 20 people surrounding Kim as she lay on the bed.

I called the mortician around 3 pm and the last of the people left maybe around 7pm.

So it’s been nearly 16 years and I still cry at times. I was crying while writing this. I am eternally grateful that Kim woke me up so that I could be present to her transition. Yet what I have learned, if you can call it that, is that maybe there was no Kim, there is no Homer. There is just all of this happening. This memory now, this story now. There are thoughts of “Maybe I should have held her hand.” And “I could have taken better care of her.” Feelings of sadness and guilt are present. Aren’t these just things that have come and will go? Isn’t it all just God/Life flowing? I don’t know, yet there is this intuition, that through the practices that Jeff has so magnificently given us, there is the greatest opportunity here and now to remember and recognize who we really are, no matter what is happening or happened.

God/I pray that I will express the awareness that is aware when this body mind is on its death bed. I have a great example of this possibility, Kim. She was and still is this awareness, this Goddess. Forever and forever. Still here, for Kim has never nor could she ever, leave.

Namaste