Then, when I turned the magical age of 49-50, I fell apart just about completely, overnight. This breakdown led to 6 months of terror. I had changed so drastically and so quickly that I almost couldn’t continue my job. I became desperately aware of the condition of the world and was terrified about where humanity and nature were heading.

I knew no one besides Al Gore who had similar concerns or any answers. I searched everything I could think of including ecotourism, religious organizations and sustainable businesses. After six months of searching, someone asked if I had ever tried meditation. Since I saw the external world as the problem, I could see no point in looking within myself, but I tried meditation a bit reluctantly.

Breakthrough! I was shocked and fascinated with the “world within”. I continued meditating regularly, then went to my first retreat. The retreat was to be led by a “real teacher” named Barbara. I was skeptical. But when she began to teach us that first morning, I felt I was somehow coming “home”. Here was someone who seemed to have explored and found answers to the thousands of questions I was asking myself. “Who are we? Why are we here? Is there a deeper level of beingness? What was its nature and connection? What does the allegory of Genesis really mean? Why does evil happen? What are the possibilities for me as a being?”

At the first retreat break, I walked into a friend’s arms and just wept. I had no words for what I was feeling. I had no idea such a teacher could exist. Something within me felt touched and truly, deeply recognized.

I continued attending retreats, 3 – 4 a year, with my teacher and the community around her. I immersed myself in this path. And I learned and grew. I did wonder if I had joined a cult and so did my family. But Barbara continued to emphasize that I and the others were the ones “on the front lines” and that she was only temporarily standing in for our own teacher within.

Barbara taught about such things as “energy”, resonance, presence, intention, willingness, service and surrender. I became more and more aware of my inner world and how I created what I was manifesting. My wounds displayed themselves often vividly and painfully, but I learned ways to heal them. I grew deep faith in my teacher and in my own essential goodness. Once I grasped that my wounds were healable and that I could become clearer and more peaceful, I worked relentlessly to do just that.

My teacher also showed me and the community that magic was real. Answers could come in dreams, manifesting a different life was doable, spiritual help was available, I had intuition that could be trusted and developed, all beings were alive and in relationship, etc., etc. I was so thirsty for these teachings and my own spiritual development.

The religions I knew of had hinted at such possibilities, but mostly only if one searched into the mystery schools or esoteric teachings. As the old ways are crumbling, Barbara has been a beacon for the path ahead. And lucky me! Here I was, in the U.S., being taught and experiencing such depths! A huge new aspect of myself began coming online.

Having Barbara as my teacher has been a very challenging relationship. She is strict and precise, and she speaks the truth. I was terrified of her. I believe she can see into my depths. I have had to find the courage to show up in all my fullness and all my vulnerability. She modeled how to roar, how to stay present amid conflict and confusion, how to be sacred, how to honor inner direction no matter what, how to tell the truth, how to love, and so much more.Her modeling was sometimes shocking, but always expanding for me.

Barbara retired about 5 years ago but she laid a solid foundation with me. My life is quite different from what it was 20+ years ago both externally and internally. I feel so much peace and gratitude. I feel vertically and horizontally “connected”. I have faith. I am grateful for this teacher, who put aside so much of her own desires in order to teach and engage with me and others in this time of breakdown/breakthrough.